Friday, September 29, 2006

Sometimes Life Just Sucks

Last night as I was heading home, I stopped in the Food Court of the the train station and spent the last bit of cash I had on me for a soda. Almost immediately after that, I was approached by a young man with a mousy looking woman in her late teens behind him. My sheilds went up and I was ready to repel all boarders.

Typically, the homeless are a bold lot in Chicago. They walk up to you and, practically violating you personal space, aggressively ask for money and/or cigarettes. Typically, they are wearing scowls and snarl the request out. Some times it's not even a request. It's a demand for money or smokes. I have absolutely no problem refusing these types of people. I thought I was going to have to do the dance again.

But I was wrong.

This man did ask for money. But he was very polite and used the word "sir". I regretfully, to my surprise, had to inform him that I had just bought this soda with the last of the cash I had on me. Then he surprised me.

I had expected him to give me a half perfunctory "thanks, anyway" while his eyes turned cold and calculating as he sized up the others in the Food Court. But it didn't play out as I expected. He said they really weren't looking for money. They just wanted something to eat and could I please buy them something... Anything. All the while the girl was looking on with half realized flicker of hope in her eyes. And misery. And above all, hunger.

Damn.

Usually when I plan on just heading to work and then home, I bring what I call Wallet-Lite. Just my IDs, insurance cards (in case I get creamed by Chi-town's insane taxi drivers), and a credit card. I leave my check card and other credit cards at home. Today was one of those days. And to top it off, I forgot to swap credit cards -- the one in my wallet was maxed.

Last night I saw hope die in their eyes and despair settle like a well worn cloak over both of them. I am sure I was not the first person they approached for food. And still they were polite and thanked me for my time.

I don't think there are many times when I have felt as low as I did then.

I couldn't finish my dinner that night. Everything tasted like ashes as I could not get them out of my head. Children (because that's what they were - no older than 18 or 19) should not look so old and defeated.

I have been where those two are right now. I was maybe couple years older at the time, but not that different. Homeless, penniless, hungry, and without any hope or optimism for the future. Fortunately, I managed to claw my way out. It was hard work and very nearly broke me. But I did make it. And a lot of it was luck and the right circumstances. According to the odds, I should be dead right now.

I really hope those two manage to break out as I did. But I'm not holding my breath.

And it's a terrible thing indeed that I feel that way.