Friday, November 03, 2006

Come, kneel before Zod!

What a whiny little baby.
Kanye apparently was so disappointed at not winning for Best Video that he crashed the stage Thursday in Copenhagen when the award was being presented to Justice and Simian for "We Are Your Friends."

In a tirade riddled with expletives, Kanye said he should have won the prize for his video "Touch The Sky," because it "cost a million dollars, Pamela Anderson was in it. I was jumping across canyons."

"If I don't win, the awards show loses credibility," Kanye said.
I am in... awe of the sheer size of his balls. I haven't seen a temper tantrum like this since kindergarten. The arrogance. The inflated ego. The unmatched...pissy-ness.

He gives supposed reasons for why he should win, but never once does he say it should win because it's actually, you know, a good song. Just because he's attracted by bright lights and shiny objects doesn't mean that others don't have deeper, slightly more meaningful criteria.

I've always wondered about people's sense of entitlement. Not just in the entertainment world, but in general. You have to work and claw for want you want just like everyone else. The world owes you shit.

So get off your high horse and go back to regular hip-hop star activities. You know, snorting blow and paying for high priced whores until you squander your money and become just another aging has-been.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

The Greatest Rock Songs Of... Well, Right Now

I'm going to take a break from my usual rants, and give you all what I'm sure has been bubbling beneath your consciousness. What, exactly, does Phil think are the top 5 Rock Songs of Right Now? (hey, my listening habits change...)

Well, I'm glad you asked. Because I just so happen to have that list handy (thanks to my iPod Top Played list). So I give to you, with no further ado, The Greatest Rock Songs of Right Now.

Number 5:

Song: Supermassive Black Hole
Artist: Muse
Album: Black Holes and Revelations
Why: Heavy, heavy beat with loud fuzzy guitars, some great vocals, and really odd lyrics. How can you not like a song with the line "Glaciers melting in the dead of night and the superstars sucked into the supermassive" Brilliant!

Number 4:

Song: Black
Artist: Sevendust
Album: Sevendust
Why: WALL OF FUCKING GUITARS!! Plus, really cool, gravelly vocals. But mostly,

Number 3:

Song: Rush Hour Soul
Artisit: Supergrass
Album: Life On Other Planets
Why: Very unique sounding guitar lead. Great vocals. Good solid listen

Number 2:

Song: Jupiter
Artist: Presidents of the United States of America
Album: Freaked Out and Small
Why: How many songs do you know about the planet Jupiter? I thought so.

and finally, the Greatest Rock Song of Right Now:

Song: Deserted
Artist: Blind Melon
Album: Blind Melon
Why: This is the best song, by one of the best rock bands. The tortured vocals pulled from the depths of Shanon Hoon's soul. The frenetic, kinetic energy of Stevens' and Thorn's guitar work. The asymmetric syncopation of Glenn Graham. I could go on and on. This song is just perfect.

Hey, that was kinda fun. I may do this again sometime....

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

They Always Get Their Man... Unless He Runs

When did cops become such over-sensitive crybabies?
Police Chief Paul Goward was tired of looking around his department and seeing blubber hanging over the belts of some of his officers. So he sent out a memo exhorting the "jelly bellies" to shape up.

In the end, the department lost 190 pounds -- all of them belonging to Goward. He was forced out as chief because some of his officers took offense at the memo.

The October 11 memo bruised feelings on the 80-member force, drew at least one anonymous letter of complaint from officers about the chief's management style and made his department the butt of jokes about fat cops and doughnuts.
Boo Hoo! The mean ol' police chief called them jelly bellies and hurt morale. Perhaps we shouldn't be too harsh. They are the police after all, and we do owe them our gratitude for the job they do. They just need some support.

Like a truss.

What a bunch of babies. Is it really that hard to cut down from 5000 calories? Or perhaps lift more than 12 fl oz. at a time?

It sounds like Winter Haven, FL is the place to commit crime. All you'd have to do to get away is walk at a fast pace. Or climb a flight of stairs.

(hat tip to Anne for pointing this one out)

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

I Guess They're Called Defeatocrats For A Reason

The Democrats will do anything to not gain power this election.
While stumping for local Democrats in California, Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., addressed students at Pasadena City College and made a comment about education and the war in Iraq that lent itself to much controversy.

"You know education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. And if you don't, you get stuck in Iraq," he said.
Gah! Guys, the Republicans handed you both houses. All you had to do was keep your heads down and your yaps shut.

For damage control, an immediate apology was called for. But remember, this is the Dems we're talking about. Specifically, the historically non-apologizing John Kerry.
Shortly before noon Tuesday, Kerry, a Vietnam veteran, responded, insisting in a statement that he had not belittled the intelligence of soldiers serving in Iraq, but rather that of "the president who got us stuck there."
Re-read his original quote. I'll wait.

To continue... What the hell? With squinted eyes and stoppered ears, there is no way in hell I could twist that statement around to be anything other than a slap at our enlisted men and women. His explanation is disingenuous at best. Oh sure, I heard all the reports about the original verbiage that was released to the press in the form of speech notes.
Kerry's office released his prepared remarks, which said, "Do you know where you end up if you don't study, if you aren't smart, if you're intellectually lazy? You end up getting us stuck in a war in Iraq. Just ask President Bush."
Paint me cynical, but I find that hard to believe --what, with no way to verify the validity of the notes. And I still can't see how you can possibly mis-speak what is allegedly in his notes enough to utter the words he actually spoke. I mean, the main fucking point was to slam President Bush. How could you forget to even mention that salient piece of information?

With one fell swoop, Kerry has wiped the slate clean for the beleaguered GOP. As one congress-critter put it, "I guess Kerry wasn't content blowing 2004, now he wants to blow 2006, too."

Now, I don't like the Republicans too much. But I hate the Dems more. What we really need are non-affiliated independents elected to the House and Senate. You know, people who would actually represent us for a change. Not big business, as one party does. And not be a party of morally corrupt defeatists, as the other is.

But I know better.

October Chippy Awards

The October Chippy Awards

Yes, it is time for the Chippies. A monthly event where a person or persons is awarded the dubious distinction of being someone I would most like to insert feet first into a wood chipper. To qualify, a person has to show that they have absolutely no redeeming value to society. Typically, this will be due to actions towards children leading to injury and/or death. However, I reserve the right to add whomever I damn well please.

Thanks to the tireless efforts of my crack research team (consisting of the indefatigable Anne), I have managed to compile a list of nominees. While all are worthy of the Golden Bag of Sawdust, only one can jump directly to the head of the line.

First up are the honorable mentions:
  • For The Sacred Steward Of The Law award, I give Judge Glenn A. Staege a boot to the head.
  • In the Honor Thy Parents category, this waste of space gets the always popular Axe-To-Penis award.
  • For Best Recreation Of A Van Halen Video, here's this slattern. She gets the Never Allowed Within 100 Feet Of A Minor award.
Now, on to the runners-up. While they do not get the Golden Bag of Sawdust, these walking meat-sacks can rest assured they are still on the list to be turned into garden mulch. Slowly.

For Best Enactment Of Barbaric Practices, we have this sack of uselessness.
An immigrant from Africa has gone on trial on charges alleging he circumcised his 2-year-old daughter with a pair of scissors to avoid bringing shame on his family.
Before heading to the chipper, he will also be forcibly circumcised using a dull, rusty penknife.

For Best Reason To License Parenthood, here's someone who never heard of putting an unwanted child up for adoption.
A 14-year-old girl accused of suffocating her newborn daughter and leaving the infant's body in a trash can was charged with murder.

The teenager was also charged Friday with concealment of a homicide, said Thomas Mountford, deputy police chief of the Sauk Village Police Department.
Now, for the moment you've all been waiting for, the First Monthly Chippy Award.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you October's recipient of the Golden Bag of Sawdust. It's a husband and wife tag-team in a performance more than worthy of a Chippy.
During the seven-week trial, witnesses portrayed Lisa Holland, 33, as a cruel mother who abused Ricky by hitting him with a wooden spoon, duct-taping him to the refrigerator and making him wear a harness on the school bus.

Her husband testified that on July 1, 2005, he came home from an errand and found Ricky dead in bed, with vomit and traces of blood around his mouth, and his wife screaming she "didn't mean to do it."

He said that a week earlier, he had returned from military training in Virginia to find the boy with a cut on his head, listless and unable to walk. He said he didn't take him to a doctor because he didn't want a confrontation with his wife and thought his son would get better.

"I didn't want her to start pushing me around in front of the kids," Tim Holland said.

The prosecution said Ricky likely suffered a brain injury a week or more before he died, and his parents let him die a slow death.
I will note that my glee at finding the first winner of the coveted Chippy, is tempered by the fact that this is one of the saddest fucking things I have read. Not only did this child's adoptive parents murder him in a slow, agonizing manner, he was originally placed in their care because his biologicals neglected him.

Both of these slope-browed, fecal-brained assholes deserve to be beat with sledge hammers and frying pans. Nothing vital, however. I wouldn't want them to be unconscious when I press the button on the wood chipper.

My only regret is that they couldn't be resurrected to be run through the chipper again.

More Humor Impaired

I have to say this is a bit of an overreaction.
Borat beware: Accept an invitation by a top Kazakh official to find out what the country is really like and you could be in for a nasty surprise.

"I'd kill this impostor on the spot," said Eltai Muptekeyev, who makes his living in Almaty by posing for photos with a blindfolded falcon clinging to a thick leather glove on his hand.

Lighten up, Francis. Look for the funny. People are just too God-damn sensitive these days. Perhaps people in the US are thick-skinned, or we are more willing to laugh at our foibles. I do know, that if a movie came out lampooning the US, we'd be the first in line. And probably laugh the hardest. Regardless who made the movie.

These people seem to get it.
Aigul Abysheva, a third-year linguistics student at Almaty State University, said she at first was "disgusted" by Borat's jokes, especially by his "chain of importance" — where dogs and horses are higher than women.

"But then I realized he was making fun of ignorant people, no matter where they come from," she said. "The real target of Borat's movie is a couch potato who believes that Kazakhs drink horse urine."

Kazakhstan's deputy foreign minister, Rakhat Aliyev, recently extended an invitation to Borat to find out the truth about Kazakhstan.

"He can discover a lot of things. Women drive cars, wine is made of grapes and Jews are free to go to synagogues."

He also said his compatriots were overreacting.

"We must have a sense of humor and respect other people's freedom of creativity," Aliyev said in a recent interview with Kazakhstan Today.

Every thing I've seen or read about this movie (going this weekend to see it) fails to describe it as mean-spirited. Thoroughly enjoying his Ali G character, I like to think that Sascha Baron Cohen is slyly poking fun and teasing our Kazakh neighbors.

You know, kind of how friends do with each other.

Monday, October 30, 2006

St. Louis Beats Detroit... Again.

I'm sure St. Louis is not all that happy for winning this contest.
St. Louis reclaimed the title of America's most dangerous city, which it last held in 2002, based on crime statistics reported to the Federal Bureau of Investigation and compiled by publisher Morgan Quitno Press.

Detroit was the second most dangerous city, while Flint, Michigan, and Compton, California, were third and fourth, respectively. Camden, New Jersey, most dangerous in last year's rankings, fell to fifth.

If It Walks Like A Duck...

Here's a nice little list.

Quacklist is a central repository of information about products, treatments, and doctors that not only skirt the edge of fraud, but willingly dance over the dark-side.

It includes ludicrous claims of so-called homeopathic therapies, unsubstantiated science, snake-oil, and fraudulent doctors.

It even has a small section on my favorite: informercials!

(via Bodyhack)

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Set Aside The Wine And Deal With This Problem

Read this article.
In scattered violence Saturday, 46 people were taken into custody, most of them in the suburbs around Paris, and two police officers were slightly injured. The most serious violence was the bus attack in Marseille, which shocked France with its brutality.

Three or four young people burst onto the bus and tossed in a bottle of flammable liquid before fleeing, police said, citing witnesses' accounts. A fire started, seriously injuring a 26-year-old woman who suffered second- and third-degree burns on her arms, legs and face.

And this one as well.
On a routine call, three unwitting police officers fell into a trap. A car darted out to block their path, and dozens of hooded youths surged out of the darkness to attack them with stones, bats and tear gas before fleeing. One officer was hospitalized.

The recent ambush was emblematic of what some officers say has become a near-perpetual and increasingly violent conflict between police and gangs in tough, largely immigrant French neighborhoods that were the scene of a three-week paroxysm of rioting last year.

One small police union claims officers are facing a "permanent intifada." Police injuries have risen in the year since the wave of violence.

National police reported 2,458 cases of violence against officers in the first six months of the year, on pace to top the 4,246 cases recorded for all of 2005 and the 3,842 in 2004. Firefighters and rescue workers have also been targeted — and some now receive police escorts in such areas.

France has a serious problem here. They have been unable to put a stop to this violence for some time now. And with the anniversary of the first riots approaching, their society is poised to consume itself from within.

They are averaging 100 cars a night being set on fire. One. Hundred. Cars. How can they let this go on? At this point I think they need to seriously consider martial law. They have to crack down on this hard and hand down serious penalties. Up to and including deportation for non-citizens.

While there is absolutely no excuse for these savages, the French government does share culpability. I think religion is a secondary consideration in this case. This, I believe, has more to do with the general attitude of the French and their government toward immigrants. Immigrants get crap jobs, if any at all. They are shunted into government subsidized housing that increasingly resemble the European ghettos of old. In order to preserve their precious culture, the French are more concerned with absorption rather than assimilation. They have sown the seeds of resentment and frustration. Now it's harvest time.

This is where Europe, and France in particular, differ from the US. Our society was created to foster integration and assimilation. Are we perfect? No, not at all. We frequently fall short of the ideals we put on paper when we stood up and demanded our independence over 200 years ago.

Then again, we don't have gangs of Muslim thugs roaming the streets attacking cops, destroying property, and burning cars.