Tuesday, October 31, 2006

October Chippy Awards

The October Chippy Awards

Yes, it is time for the Chippies. A monthly event where a person or persons is awarded the dubious distinction of being someone I would most like to insert feet first into a wood chipper. To qualify, a person has to show that they have absolutely no redeeming value to society. Typically, this will be due to actions towards children leading to injury and/or death. However, I reserve the right to add whomever I damn well please.

Thanks to the tireless efforts of my crack research team (consisting of the indefatigable Anne), I have managed to compile a list of nominees. While all are worthy of the Golden Bag of Sawdust, only one can jump directly to the head of the line.

First up are the honorable mentions:
  • For The Sacred Steward Of The Law award, I give Judge Glenn A. Staege a boot to the head.
  • In the Honor Thy Parents category, this waste of space gets the always popular Axe-To-Penis award.
  • For Best Recreation Of A Van Halen Video, here's this slattern. She gets the Never Allowed Within 100 Feet Of A Minor award.
Now, on to the runners-up. While they do not get the Golden Bag of Sawdust, these walking meat-sacks can rest assured they are still on the list to be turned into garden mulch. Slowly.

For Best Enactment Of Barbaric Practices, we have this sack of uselessness.
An immigrant from Africa has gone on trial on charges alleging he circumcised his 2-year-old daughter with a pair of scissors to avoid bringing shame on his family.
Before heading to the chipper, he will also be forcibly circumcised using a dull, rusty penknife.

For Best Reason To License Parenthood, here's someone who never heard of putting an unwanted child up for adoption.
A 14-year-old girl accused of suffocating her newborn daughter and leaving the infant's body in a trash can was charged with murder.

The teenager was also charged Friday with concealment of a homicide, said Thomas Mountford, deputy police chief of the Sauk Village Police Department.
Now, for the moment you've all been waiting for, the First Monthly Chippy Award.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you October's recipient of the Golden Bag of Sawdust. It's a husband and wife tag-team in a performance more than worthy of a Chippy.
During the seven-week trial, witnesses portrayed Lisa Holland, 33, as a cruel mother who abused Ricky by hitting him with a wooden spoon, duct-taping him to the refrigerator and making him wear a harness on the school bus.

Her husband testified that on July 1, 2005, he came home from an errand and found Ricky dead in bed, with vomit and traces of blood around his mouth, and his wife screaming she "didn't mean to do it."

He said that a week earlier, he had returned from military training in Virginia to find the boy with a cut on his head, listless and unable to walk. He said he didn't take him to a doctor because he didn't want a confrontation with his wife and thought his son would get better.

"I didn't want her to start pushing me around in front of the kids," Tim Holland said.

The prosecution said Ricky likely suffered a brain injury a week or more before he died, and his parents let him die a slow death.
I will note that my glee at finding the first winner of the coveted Chippy, is tempered by the fact that this is one of the saddest fucking things I have read. Not only did this child's adoptive parents murder him in a slow, agonizing manner, he was originally placed in their care because his biologicals neglected him.

Both of these slope-browed, fecal-brained assholes deserve to be beat with sledge hammers and frying pans. Nothing vital, however. I wouldn't want them to be unconscious when I press the button on the wood chipper.

My only regret is that they couldn't be resurrected to be run through the chipper again.