Tuesday, February 06, 2007

January Chippies

The January Chippy Awards

It's time for the January Chippy Awards. It the award presented to those whom I'd most like to feed feet first into a wood chipper. While all nominees are worthy of mulching, only one can be awarded the Golden Bag of Sawdust and go directly to the head of the line.

Again, thanks must go forth to my research team, consisting of Anne. Her tireless efforts make these awards possible.

As always, we first present the honorable mentions. While not quite deserving a session with the chipper, they nonetheless deserve some recognition.

  • The babies are not varmints award. This pustular excuse for a human being is given 50 close range shots from a BB gun to the testicles.
  • The older women are intimidating award. He gets to have his cell-mate pimp him out for 3 cigarettes and a shot of toilet moonshine.
  • The stupid-ass, moronic defense argument award. I'm thinking castration, lobotomy, and amputation of the hands. Of course the lobotomy comes last so he can enjoy the other two procedures.

Now we come to the main category. While all are worthy of being reduced to compost, only one can jump to the head of the line. So here are the runners-up.

First we have the Who You Know Won't Help You award:
Logan, 60, is engaged to Judge Joyce Broffitt and records show he used her as a reference when he got his job in the sheriff's department's records and identification office about six years ago. He is on paid leave while the case is pending.

The rape charge was filed when the girl picked Logan out of a photo lineup, police spokesman Vince Higgins said.

Police began an assault investigation after the girl complained of pain while at school. She told the school staff she had sex with a man several times and watched him have sex with her mother, who also faces criminal charges.

Don't worry, while he may not be bumped up in line, he will be given a pain he can complain about, before being converted into a form-factor that can be easily carried in garbage bags. Like say a mallet to the balls.

Our second, and final, runner-up gets the Honor Thy Wife award:
The couple went on a canoe trip down a canal on Saturday and pulled ashore near some trees, when he began raping her and taping it with a video camera, Buggs said. He tied her to a tree, where she hung naked for several hours, her toes grazing the ground.

He struck her with the side of a hunting knife blade, leaving bruises, then raped her again, Buggs said.

It appeared the man was following a computer printout describing the crime in detail that was found at the scene, Buggs said.

I'd say this Martin Scorsese wanna-be should be the star in a gay snuff film, but then we'd miss out on the joy it would give his wife (I'm assuming now ex-wife) to press the button as he's fed to the chipper.

Hmm, decisions, decisions...

And now, I present to you the winner of the Golden Bag of Sawdust:

Doctors said the boy had suffered cardiac arrest and had bruises on his feet, legs, knees, arms, head and back, as well as a cut on his neck — and many of the injuries appeared old and consistent with severe child abuse.

Santa Magdalena Campos, 44, later confessed to police that she became upset when the boy soiled his underwear.

She said she took him to a bathroom and started punching him in the back and the buttocks. She also pushed him, causing his head to strike the edge of a door, police said.

Did it ever run through this evil bitch's head that perhaps he shat himself because he was terrified? Well, I have the perfect award for her. In preparation for the being put in the hopper for the wood chipper, I think a little tenderizing is in order. What we do, is get one of those cranes with the wrecking ball, replace the ball with her, and start whacking away. I figure having maybe 30%-40% of her bones turned into splinters is fine.

The rest of her skeletal system can be reduced to meal when she's fed to the chipper.