Monday, December 04, 2006

November Chippies

The November Chippy Awards

It's time for the November Chippy Awards. It the award presented to those whom I'd most like to feed feet first into a wood chipper. While all nominees are worthy of mulching, only one can be awarded the Golden Bag of Sawdust and go directly to the head of the line.

Again, thanks must go forth to my research team consisting of Anne. Her tireless efforts make these awards possible.

As usual, we start with the Honorable Mentions. While not deserving of the wood chipper treatment, they are but a hair's breadth away from turning into a lawn bag of meat and bone chips.

  • For the 1,002nd Use Of Duct Tape Award, we have this loving mother. She gets to have her child bearing organs scooped out using a rusty spoon.
  • For the Most Cynical Taking Advantage Of A Charity, this family is sure to turn any stomach. They win the dubious prize of having their home demolished and being relocated to a cardboard box in Crack Alley.
  • For the Not Exactly How Tom Sawyer Would Have Avoided Chores Award, there's this little maladjusted firebug. She gets to whitewash all the fences in the state of Indiana.
  • For the Start 'Em Young Award, here's this aunt, who's a credit to any family of drug dealers. She gets an accupuncture treatment utilizing used hypodermic needles.

Now on to the non-winning nominees. This does not mean that they won't get added to the compost pile. They just have to wait their turn.

For Most Heinous Use Of A Child As A Percussion Instrument.
"She beat that little boy with a belt and a pipe ... and she left him to die and then she hid the body. There is no doubt she is a child killer," Currie said.

King wept as she testified Thursday that Ahmad's death was an accident. She told jurors she lost control while spanking him. When she realized he was dead, King said she panicked, hid his body and told police he had been abducted.

For The Most Disgusting Use Of The Internet.
A man who was sexually abusing a young girl in his home was arrested after he transmitted images of the assault via the Internet to an undercover detective, police said Thursday.

The girl, a preschooler, was rescued two hours later in what Toronto police's child exploitation unit said was its first case of observing a live assault.

For recognition of Toronto's Child Exploitation Section, and specifically Detective Krawczyck, he shall be permitted to push the button when this waste of protoplasm is fed into the hopper.

For the This Shit Just Wants To Make Me Cry Award.
Detectives investigating the death of an 8-year-old boy say his mother probably tortured him for more than a year in a dark dungeon of a bedroom before he swallowed household cleaner last week and died.

Richmond detectives arrested Teresa Moses, 23, on suspicion of murder, torture and child endangerment Friday night after staff at Kaiser Permanente Medical Center called police about the death.

Welts and bruises in various stages of healing covered Raijon Daniels' body. The injuries, officials said, told a long story of abuse: rope marks on his limbs, chemical burns, bed sores.

Normally, this diseased, amoral fuck would win hands down. Since it was a photo-finish this month, I'll give her the rare Silver Bag Of Sawdust. She gets to be chopped and shredded immediately after November's winner. But first she gets fed a cocktail of Lysol and Sno-Bowl.

The winner of The Golden Bag Of Sawdust.

The members of the 101st Airborne responsible for the rape and killings of an Iraqi family. Yes, the same people who are supposed to protect the weak and fight for freedom. To me, this makes it a doubly hideous betrayal of trust.
The group is accused of raping the girl and burning her body to conceal their crimes, then killing the girl's father, mother and six-year-old sister. After entering his plea Wednesday, Barker gave the court a vivid account of the events.

Barker said he and the others were drinking and playing cards while they manned a traffic checkpoint.

Green brought up the idea of raping the girl and killing her family, he said.

They raped a 14 year old girl in front of her family. These fucks killed a 6 year old. I can't begin to imagine the sheer terror this family endured before they were killed.

Just turning them into mulch is not enough. For this month's winner, more is necessary. They need to be knee-capped with a gun and have the wounds bandaged in raw sewage. Only until the wounds fester and gangrene is beginning to overcome their bodies will they be fed (slowly) into the wood chipper.